Sacro speco: the journey
I just came from a personal retreat this weekend. My mind was in a haze for a number of days and I knew I had to take time off to find my sacred place, to reflect, to reconnect with the Lord, and to pull myself together.
It’s a long, long journey
‘Til I know where I’m supposed to be
It’s a long, long journey
And I don’t know if I can believe
First night. At St. Paul Center for Renewal in Alfonso, Cavite, where every graduating class in SPU Manila holds their retreat, and so did our class back in 2012, I was able to set the mood for my spiritual journey.
Who is God to me? Who do I think I am? These were the questions I wanted to resolve by the end of my retreat. The answers would come eventually, in its time, so there was no need to rush. I can go slowly and take as much time as I need as I venture into the depths of my soul beneath that starry night.
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It’s a long, long journey
‘Til I find my way home to you
But the songs of the crickets and the blanket of the stars were not helping. I was trying too hard to make an impression — or to receive an impression. So I went in that one area where I could be alone with the Lord, that one area I never really got to secure for myself back in 2012 because there were always people inside — the prayer room.
I prayed and felt an instant answer to my prayer. Hear me, Jesus, hide me in Thy wounds that I may never leave Thy side. From all the evil that surrounds me, defend me.
First day. Don Bosco Batulao in Batangas is the perfect place for my retreat, I claim with so much conviction. It is among the few places I consider my “heaven on earth”. I know the place so well; my visit last weekend was already my third.
Many days I spent
Drifting on to empty shores
Wondering what’s my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
A priest-friend gave me a few guidelines before I began my spiritual journey. He suggested rituals, too, that I can perform during my stay to aid me in my reflection. But I could not exercise them, for there were three groups being accommodated in the retreat house as well and anywhere I go, there will always, always be someone, or some noise.
I know I will falter, I know I will cry
I know you’ll be standing by my side
It’s a long, long journey
‘Til I find my way home to you
At the back of my mind, I thought this retreat would end in failure. I had already set a schedule of activities for the day but could not even get through my first task. And that was when I realized that life is never a set of tasks to be accomplished. When things get out of control and our plans do not work, that is when God wants us to let go and let Him do what He wills for us. His plans are always better.
I went down into the hermitage area, which I said I would not dare do this time, and stayed there for a while. But there I found my piece of solitude. There, where I resolved never to visit again, was my place.
Second night. Not even a single text message could get through my phone without delay for there was no signal inside the retreat house. However, the most unusual thing happened in the middle of the night. My phone rang; a friend was calling me.
Sometimes I feel no one understands
I don’t even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up ‘til I can’t see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through
I was already in deep slumber but, astonished, woke up and picked up the phone. My good friend delivered tidings I wish I never heard, I wish were not true, and how I wish had been said days before the retreat, perhaps even earlier that day, just not that night when I already laid peacefully in rest.
God was testing me.
All the lights were off, but I managed to slip into the prayer room where I was, for the first time, alone with the Blessed Sacrament.
Third night. Participants for the Search for Outstanding Paulinians (SOP) from SPU Manila were having their formation at St. Scholastica’s Center for Spirituality in Tagaytay City.
^ The SOP participants with their “parents”, Ms. Beng and Father Mike
(Photo courtesy: Ace Salazar)
I intended to stay and observe during the session but decided to cast myself in isolation once more, for the last time, and, with finality, set things right.
It’s a long, long journey
‘Til I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me in Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
There was fuming battle within me that may have been there for more than half of my life without my knowledge. I did not want to leave without any resolution and course of action.
I have to accept that there are some things that I cannot change but not any of these should hamper me from celebrating the gift of life.
Fourth night. Just when I was already feeling better about myself, God picked on me (again!) with an awkward scenario. During Mass, I saw a man I would not want to encounter anymore, and my priest-friend who officiated the Mass even blessed him.
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
If it feels like everything’s out to make lose control
I did not know how to react. I wanted to cuss God for always giving me surprises just when I was moving out of the bleakness, but I also wanted to make peace with myself and those who hurt me.
Then God slapped me right in the face: “Move on, Che. You are dearly loved. There is no need to be embittered.”
‘Cause it’s a long, long journey
‘Til I find my way home to you
The spiritual journey does not end with my going home. It is a challenge that will take a lifetime to accomplish. It is a daily strife to let go and let God do His work through me, to become fully alive, to be “the salt of the earth and the light of the world” that I am called to be.
My sacred space, I realized, is not and has never been under the night sky, in Don Bosco Batulao or the hermitage site, inside St. Benedict’s cave, in moments of solitude, or in the Cross inside my pocket. It is in every beat of my heart. •
♫ The Journey — Corrinne May
‘Til I know where I’m supposed to be
It’s a long, long journey
And I don’t know if I can believe
First night. At St. Paul Center for Renewal in Alfonso, Cavite, where every graduating class in SPU Manila holds their retreat, and so did our class back in 2012, I was able to set the mood for my spiritual journey.
Who is God to me? Who do I think I am? These were the questions I wanted to resolve by the end of my retreat. The answers would come eventually, in its time, so there was no need to rush. I can go slowly and take as much time as I need as I venture into the depths of my soul beneath that starry night.
I am lost and know that I must hide
It’s a long, long journey
‘Til I find my way home to you
But the songs of the crickets and the blanket of the stars were not helping. I was trying too hard to make an impression — or to receive an impression. So I went in that one area where I could be alone with the Lord, that one area I never really got to secure for myself back in 2012 because there were always people inside — the prayer room.
I prayed and felt an instant answer to my prayer. Hear me, Jesus, hide me in Thy wounds that I may never leave Thy side. From all the evil that surrounds me, defend me.
First day. Don Bosco Batulao in Batangas is the perfect place for my retreat, I claim with so much conviction. It is among the few places I consider my “heaven on earth”. I know the place so well; my visit last weekend was already my third.
Drifting on to empty shores
Wondering what’s my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
A priest-friend gave me a few guidelines before I began my spiritual journey. He suggested rituals, too, that I can perform during my stay to aid me in my reflection. But I could not exercise them, for there were three groups being accommodated in the retreat house as well and anywhere I go, there will always, always be someone, or some noise.
I know you’ll be standing by my side
It’s a long, long journey
‘Til I find my way home to you
At the back of my mind, I thought this retreat would end in failure. I had already set a schedule of activities for the day but could not even get through my first task. And that was when I realized that life is never a set of tasks to be accomplished. When things get out of control and our plans do not work, that is when God wants us to let go and let Him do what He wills for us. His plans are always better.
I went down into the hermitage area, which I said I would not dare do this time, and stayed there for a while. But there I found my piece of solitude. There, where I resolved never to visit again, was my place.
Second night. Not even a single text message could get through my phone without delay for there was no signal inside the retreat house. However, the most unusual thing happened in the middle of the night. My phone rang; a friend was calling me.
I don’t even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up ‘til I can’t see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through
I was already in deep slumber but, astonished, woke up and picked up the phone. My good friend delivered tidings I wish I never heard, I wish were not true, and how I wish had been said days before the retreat, perhaps even earlier that day, just not that night when I already laid peacefully in rest.
God was testing me.
All the lights were off, but I managed to slip into the prayer room where I was, for the first time, alone with the Blessed Sacrament.
Third night. Participants for the Search for Outstanding Paulinians (SOP) from SPU Manila were having their formation at St. Scholastica’s Center for Spirituality in Tagaytay City.
^ The SOP participants with their “parents”, Ms. Beng and Father Mike
(Photo courtesy: Ace Salazar)
I intended to stay and observe during the session but decided to cast myself in isolation once more, for the last time, and, with finality, set things right.
‘Til I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me in Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
There was fuming battle within me that may have been there for more than half of my life without my knowledge. I did not want to leave without any resolution and course of action.
I have to accept that there are some things that I cannot change but not any of these should hamper me from celebrating the gift of life.
Fourth night. Just when I was already feeling better about myself, God picked on me (again!) with an awkward scenario. During Mass, I saw a man I would not want to encounter anymore, and my priest-friend who officiated the Mass even blessed him.
If it feels like everything’s out to make lose control
I did not know how to react. I wanted to cuss God for always giving me surprises just when I was moving out of the bleakness, but I also wanted to make peace with myself and those who hurt me.
Then God slapped me right in the face: “Move on, Che. You are dearly loved. There is no need to be embittered.”
‘Til I find my way home to you
The spiritual journey does not end with my going home. It is a challenge that will take a lifetime to accomplish. It is a daily strife to let go and let God do His work through me, to become fully alive, to be “the salt of the earth and the light of the world” that I am called to be.
My sacred space, I realized, is not and has never been under the night sky, in Don Bosco Batulao or the hermitage site, inside St. Benedict’s cave, in moments of solitude, or in the Cross inside my pocket. It is in every beat of my heart. •
♫ The Journey — Corrinne May