COVID-19 lockdown diary: The allure of distractions
The slowness of days during the pandemic lockdown is a far cry from the kind of life I knew how to live. Rush occupied my daily existence; whether for work or for personal projects, I overloaded my to-do list and chased after deadlines. It’s funny now that I think about it: how, as an introvert, I craved for solitude which the lifestyle I designed for myself contradicted.
As expected, the past seven months have become a period for self-evaluation. Among the many conspicuous and covert changes, I discovered something about myself that I hadn’t really given much thought until a horoscope app on a random day articulated it for me: “Is your desire to be seen complicated by an equal and opposite desire to be, absolutely, unseen?”
The tension between wanting to be seen and unseen: Are they mutually exclusive or can a symbiotic relationship exist between them?
This would explain my love-hate relationship with social media. While social networking sites can be an avenue to share issues I deem important and to connect with people I wouldn’t have known through in-person interactions, a metaphorical manacle would keep me from going “all out” — the privacy of my thoughts.
I guess it’s the same with this online journal. Sure, it’s available and accessible to anyone who finds it, but I don’t promote it, actively or otherwise, on my social media posts. (I’ve been thinking about doing that more and more lately, though.)
Probing further, I realized this, too, explained the kind of journalistic work to which I am most drawn. I favored writing articles where the only identifier would be the byline. Even while I worked for television, I enjoyed being on the more obscure side of the camera. Then, the information age added social media presence as one of the key responsibilities of a journalist. It’s no longer enough to do a good job; now, it’s equally important to market oneself and develop a brand.
In commodifying your person, how do you preserve the part of you that isn’t your job?
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I’d intended to blabber on white paper since yesterday to de-overwhelm. Journaling — or blogging, because I’m doing it online — to me is an exercise in self-indulgence and -gratification. But I kept pushing it back. Instead, I’d find other things to occupy my time and attention: deciding which film or series to watch, read about them, then realizing it’s too late in the evening to get started, and turn to mindless feed-scrolling.
This has become a subconscious pattern. If it weren’t Netflix streams, it’d be books and fan fiction 1 — I’ve taken an unhealthy obsession with Fullmetal Alchemist recently! — or an ambitious side project that’s time-consuming but doable, if only I actually focus on it.
I’ve yielded to the allure of distractions far more often that I had wanted. I tried learning the ukulele and gave up because of the F chord (seriously!) when what I wanted deep down was to rediscover my love for music. I had my best friend in Perth work with me on a passion project that, to this day, hasn’t materialized through no fault of hers. I kept setting deadlines for my home improvement goals 2 — getting side-tracked more often than I’d admit, and, before I knew it, the little progress I’ve made would be overshadowed by encumbrances here and there — and missed them anyway. I started writing a multi-chapter fan fiction and discontinued the work by the fifth chapter.
There is, in me, an insatiable desire to keep climbing mountains. But these goals — no matter how mighty or minute — seem to be mere distractions.
What are those important mind matters I’m afraid to confront?
Maybe I’m thinking too much tonight. Not a rare occurrence, actually. Or, maybe, my writing this 3 is a distraction in itself, too. •
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Footnotes:
There’s a contentious debate on whether mangas and graphic novels are considered books — and by books, people usually mean literature. As a bit of a traditionalist, I used to be on the side that looked down on textual art forms that didn’t weave poetry and prose, that lacked depth, and that were quite pretentious.
Though Albert Camus was more savage, I echoed what he meant with these words:
The fecundity and the importance of a literary form are often measured by the trash it contains. The number of bad novels must not make us forget the value of the best.
Back in college, my then-friend, now-boyfriend Nigel was keen on doing a thesis on how graphic novels were instrumental in raising social awareness. I remember he had to give up the research on that because he paired up with a classmate. When he introduced me to Bill Willingham’s Fables in 2014, then Art Spiegelman’s Maus a year or so later, I realized how my arrogance had kept me from exploring and reading great works.
So, if you’re inclined: Please watch the anime Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood or read its manga version. I will never get tired of saying that work is a masterpiece. I’ve started reading the manga only now, but the first chapter alone had me catching my breath with its sublime reference to Greek mythology and some tasteful foreshadowing.
And we would know the value of art from the works it inspired. More as a bookmark for myself, here are some of my favorite fan-made Fullmetal Alchemist-inspired fiction stories:
- Pressure Point, by the Flame and Hawk’s Eye
Edward Elric cannot stomach the guilt. Feeling responsible for the abduction of Riza Hawkeye, he vows to do whatever it takes to help Roy Mustang pick up the pieces. As he gets further into the case, Edward too finds that those he cherishes most, his pressure points, are targeted. Will they be able to find those responsible, or pay the ultimate price?
- When One’s World is Shaken, by MoonStarDutchess
When Riza is assaulted the life she has with Roy is shaken. Can Roy help her through her struggle with all her self-doubts?
- Beautiful People, by That_Hoopy_Frood
Soon after the conclusion of the Ishvalan Civil War, Captain Maes Hughes receives a phone call in the middle of the night. The message is short, concise... and perhaps the most terrifying thing Hughes has ever heard.
- The Fantasy of Justice, by MabelOverture
Jean, horrified at discovering that Riza Hawkeye is being preyed upon by a senior ranking officer, is lost as to what he’s supposed to do.
- Father Figure, by royza-hawkstang
Someone has been keeping close tabs on Riza Hawkeye... the question is how far they’ll be willing to go to have her.
- The Meaning of Death, by lightsaberss (incomplete — but written so well I had to include it in this list!)
Riza Hawkeye was presumed dead after the events of the Promised Day, but two years later she’s back and has no idea who she is, where she’s been, or what she means to the people around her.
- Just Another Day, by priscilladm
Riza told herself that her birthday would always be just another day. She had gone years without acknowledging it, especially after being hardened by the military — but the box on her desk reminded her that there was someone else still thinking of her.
- Ruby Throat, by hmmingbird
Love fell into his lap at the most inopportune moment.
On the topic of fan fiction: It has become more apparent to me that I’m more drawn toward stories that would show some weakness in the character of strong-minded lieutenant Riza Hawkeye — whether this be through childhood negligence, sexual assault, or war trauma. And this drive has nothing to do with the damsel-in-distress trope, because she isn’t one. Nigel, who was a psychology graduate and a practitioner for some time, said it could be that I liked seeing trauma as a tool for character development.
I’m also keenly aware I project myself onto Hawkeye. We’re both independent and stern workers, ambitious and private, with a tinge of dry humor and genuine concern every once in a while. Even in the way we don clothes and accessories, we’re both partial to modest items; a black shirt, hair tied up, and a simple pair of stud earrings would do.
After reading some character studies and headcanon references, I also realized our childhoods were both marred by an absent mother — mine worked abroad, Riza’s died — and an emotionally unavailable father, forcing us to maturity at a young age. We’re both tea drinkers; both adopted pets found on the street — mine were cats, hers was a dog; and I guess both struggled with trauma and self-harming tendencies.
What concerned me as I fell down the fan fiction rabbit hole were how graphic depictions of suicide and rape tended to be and how this seemed to entice me more.
A graduate thesis from the San Francisco State University in 2017 studied popular themes of coercion and consent in fan fiction. Though it focused specifically in slash or men-to-men relationships, the findings still applied. It argued that fan fiction allowed for a “safe forum” for women to explore the complexities of their sexuality: “By writing slash fan fiction, authors and readers eliminate the sexual vulnerability that is often associated with women.”
It added: “As a counterpublic, it explores more facets of rape in stories that are often not just about rape, than mainstream fiction does. It explores the detailed issues of consent, victim-blaming, violence, recovery, and aftermath. Fans are grappling with issues that exist in real life in a space that is safe for writers.”
By reading fan fiction stories, I found myself living through and with the character’s harrowing experiences: facing a trauma I experienced either firsthand or vicariously, allowing me to navigate my own emotional responses, and finding support throughout the recovery process. A fan fiction work listed above once triggered my panic attacks, but as the character in the story coped, I felt relief in my personal issues as well.
- Pressure Point, by the Flame and Hawk’s Eye
Decluttering has been a perennial goal in the sense that it just never ends. There is always, always, something to declutter and tidy. But in about a year, I managed to get rid of at least 587 items from my cramped space, and it felt fulfilling.
My attempt at the Marie Kondo method was transfixed with The Minimalists’ decluttering challenge. It was really supposed to be a month-long challenge but I had to leave the country at some point, only to return with souvenirs and other purchases, and, before I knew it, big projects consumed most of my time. But yeah, I finished my 30th day several weeks ago. And I am proud.
I’ve no idea how, but this blog recently had a diverse readership. Bots, probably? Whatever. I am keeping these screenshots to celebrate that.
