Back to square one

Sometime in 2013, I made a decision I thought was wise and I could not be any happier. Amid all the persistent protests of my good friends, I opted to stay committed with it. Little did I know that I was not only battling against common sense but that the very decision I made also lead me farther away from where I intend myself to be and who I want myself to become.

I just recently made the decision to let go, be free, and start anew. While I am taking some time off to reflect (and well, try to catch up on a lot of things I missed), I found a blog entry that reminded me of a part of myself that I lost somewhere along the way. And I am reminded.

It was from one of Jimpy’s blogs, published on the first day of last year that weaves three perspectives and mini-stories on change. I was one of the featured, and here is an excerpt of the said post. •

Jimpy TV (JTV): Hello Cherry Salazar! Welcome sa Jimpy TV na ngayon ay nasa 2nd season na! Finally, after many interviews na sinubukan nating mag-interviewhan, meron pang isa na nagkainterviewhan na kaso na-shelve ang episode, eto na. FOR REAL! Haha. Anyway, etong unang episode for the next season eh medyo may paghuhugutan tayo. Alam naman nating ang Jimpy TV ay nasa pagbabago stage, a new face, a new season and a new home! Kaya ‘Pagbabago’ ang main feature natin! Kaya naman ang tanong: What is your perception, view, tingin, sariling definisyon, o kung ano man ng salitang CHANGE?
Cherry Salazar (CS): Marami kasing aspect ang pagbabago, Jimpy. Change in what terms? :))

JTV: Kahit ano lang, basta kung anong pagkakaintindi mo sa Change...or para mas bongga, sa lahat ng aspekto na iyong sinasabi!
CS: Ang effort kung lahat! Haha! Sabi nga, di ba, change is constant. Para sa akin, totoo ‘yun. Ang kailangan lang i-consider: is it for the better? Kasi kung hindi, at negative ang magiging consequence ng anumang pagbabago, parang walang sense. Dapat ang goal mo ay toward progress at hindi thwart progress.

JTV: At dahil sa sagot mong iyan gurl, bigyan na ng jacket! Haha joke. So eto, mag-share ka naman ng isang ‘change’ na naging very significant sa’yo. Dalawa ang isha-share mo, for the better and for the worse! Ay kasal ang peg! Haha! Unahin natin ang for the better!
CS: Instead of jacket, cash na lang please. HAHA. Masasabi kong change for the better ‘yung mas inaalagaan ko na ang sarili ko ngayon. May pinaghuhugutan? Hahaha. Seriously though, before kasi may tendency ako na maging workaholic. Not necessarily naman na gusto kong lagi akong busy or whatever. Tipong — paano ba? — ‘yung hindi ako titigil hangga’t di pa tapos ‘yung mga dapat tapusin. Nandyan ‘yung puyat, nagpapalipas ng gutom, walang social life, walang pahinga, lahat na. Naaapektuhan nu’n ‘yung relationship ko with friends. Syempre, nandun na rin ‘yung naaabuso mo na ‘yung katawan mo. Mga ganun. So ngayon, ang lagi kong kino-consider, magkaroon ako ng at least isang araw ng pahinga per month na totally wala akong iisiping responsibilities.

JTV: Ay gaga ka gurl! Haha! So kailan mo na-realize na dapat alagaan mo na ang iyong sarili? Kaloka ka naman! Haha!
CS: Ang akin kasi, Jimpy, kaya ko — ‘yung puyat, gutom, tsaka pag bumawi naman ako ng tulog, bongga talaga! Hahaha. Tipong 18 hours of sleep. Ganun ‘yung mindset ko. So hindi ko naisip na hindi pala healthy ‘yung ganun. Start ng confession late August this year, counselling sa guidance counselor at sa priest-friend, samu’t-saring advice ng friends — paulit-ulit akong pinaaalalahanan na “Love yourself”, “Take care of yourself,” mga ganun, pero matigas ang ulo ko at hindi ako nakikinig. Alam mo ‘yung tipong gets ko ‘yung point nila pero ayaw kong sundin. Parang ganun. So ‘yung realization talaga na, “Shocks, Cherry, hinay-hinay ka lang,” nangyari siguro mga October lang this year. Ako kasi ‘yung tipo before na uunahin ‘yung things that I have to do before things that I want to do. Eventually, I was no longer enjoying life. Nawala na ‘yung motivation at sigla. As in lugmok talaga ako na I could not pull myself together. Thankfully may awesome friends ako na tumulong sa akin during that time when I could not even help myself.

JTV: AY BUTI NAMAN. Salamat sa mga kaibigan na yan. Actually ako medyo naranasan ko yan noon but not like yours na medyo extreme na? Haha lol. Anyway, siguro sa ngayon, what do you think happened, talagang for the better ba? Nahirapan ka ba? Naka-adjust ka na sa change?
CS: It helped na ‘yung change ginagawa ko for myself. So it does not fall under the category ng “things I have to do” but sa “things I want to do”. Kita mo ‘yung difference? And I was really monitored by my friends. Lagi nagpapaalala na matulog ako, o kumain ako. And if I have to stay up late, dapat may at least five hours of sleep ako every day. O kung kailangan talagang mag-skip ng meals, dapat kakain ako the soonest possible after ng kung anumang ginagawa ko. Nahirapan ako nang kaunti kasi hindi ganun ‘yung lifestyle ko pero I find sense sa ginagawa ko kaya fulfilled naman ako.

JTV: At dahil diyan, itetext na kita araw araw! Bwahaha! So congratulations at nalagpasan mo ng bongga ang pagbabagong yan. And what I love about that is it’s a change made by yourself, hindi siya yung change na tadhana ang gagawa pa. Yung iba kasi diba, they won’t decide to change, fate decides for them. Gets mo? Haha. Anyway, mapunta tayo sa for the worse! Meron ba? Haha!
CS: Seryoso ‘yang araw-araw na pagtetext mo? Hahaha! Di ko gaanong gets ‘yung “fate decides for them” part. For me kasi, change starts from within e. Possible na may change sa situation pero ikaw pa rin kasi ang may kontrol sa sarili mo... if you will let that situation change you. Pero ayun nga, explain mo ‘yung part na “fate decides for them”.

JTV: Ay Ermehgerd! This is the first time na may nagdisagree sa akin! Hahaha! Fate decides for them...kung baga magkakaroon muna ng mga pangyayari para magbago ang buhay nila. Yung mga nananalo sa Lotto. Though siyempre there’s a part of them na may control sila dahil sila ang tumataya pero beyond their control na nila kung sila ba ay mananalo. Anyhow, whatever that statement of mine means, ang mahalaga dito, ang PAGBABAGO SA BUHAY MO! Haha! So meron bang for the worse na change? Haha!
CS: Marami nga kasing aspect ng change, Jimpy! Haha. Pero I won’t argue na bilang “show” mo ‘to. Hahahaha. Gets ko ‘yung point mo. Though tama naman kasi na out of their control ‘yung sudden change sa situation, kontrolado mo what happens after ‘yung change ng situation. For instance, namatay si Mother. Magpapaka-emo ka na lang ba dyan forever o you’ll continue living your life. Ganun ‘yung point ko. Gets? Anyhow, There are things in life that you will have to give up, Jimpy. For example, may friends ka nung elementary na hindi mo na magiging friends in college kasi iba na ‘yung interests ninyo o iba na ‘yung mga paniniwala. You have to let go. That’s one aspect of change. And it will be painful. Di ko na alam kung ano’ng pinupunto ko dito. Hahahaha.

JTV: Haha. Kung ano man ang ipinupunto mo jan, maiintindihan natin yan if you will share! Haha! Pero di ka pinipilit, Jimpy TV still values secrecy and privacy.
CS: Siguro, ganito. There will be changes na parang meaningless o senseless o “for the worse”. Pero nasa’yo kasi how you’ll interpret things. If ma-stuck ka na lang sa phase na iniwan ka o nang-iwan ka, o magmu-move on ka. Change na for the worse siguro for me, ‘yung moment na I had to give up hope. Ang pangit ng term. Haha. There’s someone I love (not necessarily intimate relationships ito, okay!) and I’m not in good terms with the person. Nandun ‘yung nagsasakitan na lang kami. So instead of trying to patch things up, na parang malabong mangyari, I had to let go. For the worse ito kasi, without trying to make the relatonship better, sumuko na ako. Pero I see it as something positive kasi nandun ‘yung acceptance na hanggang dyan na lang talaga. At dahil may acceptance, I can move on with my life at siya rin.

JTV: Oh, got it, congratulations that you are able to take it positively. And I believe that everything falls into place if there is ACCEPTANCE. Agree? Haha. And ang maganda is that positive nga, naniniwala rin kasi ako that every ‘for the worse’ has its own ‘for the better’ depende sa tao hindi ba? Anyway, next question tayo. Mag te-2013 na. And as well all know sa bawat bagong taon ay may pagbabago. Ikaw, anong ine-expect mong changes next year? It can be sa personal life. Or sa nation, entertainment, politics, etc.
CS: Agree ako! Sa personal life, sobrang daming changes niyan. Syempre, kasi stepping out of acad life na and into the so-called “real world”. Politics, marami rin dahil sa senatorial elections so mababago ang Congress natin. Hopefully itong change na ina-anticipate natin ay “for the better” talaga.

JTV: Ay oo nga! Mga manash, Cherry Salazar is graduating from College na kaya let’s congratulate her! Anyway, sa mga dumadaan sa pagbabago ngayon, ano ang pieces of advice na maibibigay mo?
CS: Make sure it’s something you want. Para hindi mabigat sa loob mo. Pero kung hindi talaga, at wala tayong magawa, find ways to enjoy. “Keep moving forward.” No matter how slowly you go, basta wag kang maiwan o magpaiwan sa isang stage lang ng life mo. Tuloy-tuloy ang ikot ng mundo, dapat matuto kang sumabay.

JTV: Ayan. At salamat rin dahil nagka-agreehan tayo kahit papaano sa Fate decides for them. HAHAHA. Anyway, thank you Cherry Salazar sa pagpapaunlak. Sorry rin pala sa na-shelve nating episode, di bale, may Pasko pa next year! The problem is kung may Jimpy TV pa! Haha!
CS: Meron ‘yan, ikaw pa! Hahahaha. Thank you rin, Jimpy. At least bago ako gumraduate, napaunlakan mo na ‘yung request ko to be interviewed! Hahaha.